Key Communication Warms the Heart

In both life and work, we often encounter challenging communication situations, such as: asking your boss for a raise; persuading colleagues to follow your approach; discussing your child’s education with your partner. These types of communication share some common characteristics:

• The other person may have different views than yours.
• The topic is important, possibly relating to interests or personal development.
• Emotions might get out of control during the conversation.

This type of communication is known as “crucial communication.”

A few years ago, I read a book called “Crucial Conversations,” which addresses this topic. In 2024, the third edition was published.

The book offers practical solutions for crucial communications. Today, I’d like to share key points about crucial communication based on my experience and the methods mentioned in the book, hoping these insights will be helpful to you.

Communication can be one-on-one or involve multiple people, but regardless of how many people are involved or what form the communication takes, one critical factor must be considered: psychological safety.

If both parties in a conversation are guarding against each other, effective communication becomes impossible. How can we create this sense of safety?

There are two key points:

1. Shared purpose: You need to confirm upfront that your communication is based on a common goal. If there’s no shared purpose, there’s no need for the conversation. For example, our purpose is to deliver the project on time, not to start by blaming someone for problems. Simply put, both parties should feel they’re on the same team, not opposed to each other.
2. Mutual respect: Respect in communication isn’t just about being polite; it’s about making the other person feel respected. For instance, you might start straightforwardly with “You’ve been working overtime on the project—that must be tough!” This shows the other person that you understand their situation.

With these two steps, you’ve made a good start. For the rest, follow the STATE principles outlined in the book to discuss specific matters. Let’s go through each principle:

• Share your facts: Start with facts. Don’t begin by presenting your judgments or conclusions. For example, “The project is already two days behind schedule” is a fact, but “Your team’s efficiency is low!” is an opinion that can easily trigger defensiveness.
• Tell your story: Based on the facts you’ve shared, offer your analysis or views. For example: “How’s team morale? Please let us know promptly if there are any difficulties.” It’s best to express this in an exploratory tone rather than conclusive language, while ensuring alignment on goals between both parties.
• Ask for others’ views: Sincerely invite the other person to share their facts and perspectives. Listen attentively without interruption. This step is crucial—let the other person express themselves fully while you listen carefully and provide timely feedback such as “I see”; “What happened next?”; or by repeating their key points. This makes them feel heard and encourages openness.
• Talk tentatively: When expressing your views, use tentative language like “I think,” “In my view,” or “Perhaps” instead of absolute statements. Leave room for the other person to respond.
• Encourage testing: Explicitly invite the other person to question and challenge your viewpoints, creating an open and honest communication environment. Ask questions like “Is my understanding correct?” or “Have I explained myself clearly?”

The above points are considered from a leader’s perspective. For regular employees, you can flip these considerations:

• Has the leader created a safe atmosphere for this communication? Are they considering my perspective? Do I feel respected?
• Is the leader talking about facts, or jumping straight to conclusions that invalidate my work?
• Has the leader given me opportunities to express my views? Do they interrupt me when I’m speaking?
• Is the leader genuinely listening to my perspective, or merely pretending to pay attention?

With these criteria, if the communication doesn’t meet the requirements for crucial conversations, there’s no need to get upset. You can simply end the conversation by saying, “I don’t think today is suitable for discussing this topic; I don’t feel safe or respected.”

The purpose of communication is to reach consensus. If it’s not based on shared purpose and mutual respect, the conversation need not begin at all.

Of course, there are exceptions. If the other person has good intentions but struggles with expression, you can kindly suggest, “Shall we try a different approach?” to get the communication back on track. But if the other person has ill intentions, there’s no need to get upset—it’s best to distance yourself quickly.

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